Dear Family,
Due to Alex's recent discovery of a serpent of massive proportions, in the backyard today, I will not be able to attend any events in this area. This decision was made due to the fact that I am extremely averse to reptiles of this length, am not fluent in Parseltounge, and have a strong will to live. Someone else will need to oversee all dog "go potty" activities, weeding and fish feeding.
However, if this situation is rectified by Ringling Brothers, the Denver Zoo, or any maniac from the Animal Planet by removing the offending snake, I may reconsider my decision. Until then, "may the odds be ever in your favor."
Love, Mom
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